Motherly responsibilities have forced Katy Hewin to take a step back in her career at asset manager Janus Henderson. The single mother has not only juggled bath time and weaning with her job as a business manager, but has supported her son through his recent A-levels and her teenage daughter.
“I always think, ‘bigger kids, bigger problems,’” she says. “Adolescence is really hard. You’re wanted and you’re not… You have to be there for the moment when they talk to you.”
Hewin feels supported by her employer and is flexible in terms of planning and location. “I know I work very hard – [I just] do it at different times.” Nevertheless, she has curtailed international travel and not sought major supervisory roles because she feels she doesn’t have the bandwidth to take on additional responsibility. “When you manage, you get caught up [staff’s] lives.” Her children are on the cusp of independence, but paradoxically she is more housebound than when they were younger, and she is helped by an au pair and comprehensive school care.
Working parents of teens face different challenges than those deep in diapers and fatigued by broken sleep. Miranda Perry, co-founder of Abrial, which advises schools and parents, says: “It’s normal to be a working parent and be stressed with a teenager. They need reassurance. The networks parents used to have at school were otherwise, you got more reassurance through WhatsApp groups.” Although the challenges are still demanding, many working parents feel unsupported by employers.
Since the pandemic, Daisy Dowling, an executive coach for parents who also advises employers, has seen increased stress, including mental health issues, in children. In the US, Vivek Murthy, the surgeon general, recently warned that the mental health crisis among young people was “an emergency”. In Britain, almost one in five children aged 7 to 17 are likely to have a mental health disorder, a 50 percent increase from 2017, according to the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health. While there are also concerns about the use of technology by teenagers and increased demands on parents. “Home used to be a refuge,” says Dowling. “[Now] work follows you home.”
Few employer initiatives and employee parent support groups include parents with older children. “Parents of teenagers are almost invisible,” says Dowling. “Ninety-eight percent of resources are targeted at people going on parental leave and returning.”
In addition, legal benefits vary around the world. In Britain, employees are entitled to up to four weeks of unpaid leave per year for each child, up to a maximum of 18 weeks.
Some parents find that employers are less tolerant of family obligations as their children get older. “Once your child reaches a certain age, you’re expected to work longer hours,” says one mother who works as a mother-in-law. “There’s less understanding of the demands of [older] children.”
However, Anita Cleare, author of a forthcoming book How to get your teen out of their bedroom, notes a recent shift: one of her most requested sessions for employers this year was on how to convince teens to open up. “I think companies are aware of the potential impact the teenage years can have on working parents.”
Cleare says that the “tendency of parents today to be more interventionist and hands-on, which, in addition to a teen who may have a bit of a gaming or phone habit or just isn’t very motivated to study, can cause parents want to be close by. more so that they can guide and galvanize.”
A study last year from Essex University found that in the UK, “mothers spent an average of 96 minutes per day caring for their children in 1961, rising to 162 minutes per day in 2015. Fathers spent 18 minutes per day in 1961 day to care for their children, which increased to 71 minutes per day in 2015.”
This is also a time in their lives, Dowling notes, when parents anticipate regret. “If someone has a 15- or 14-year-old and they realize, Oh my God, I’ve got two years left — when my kid’s gone, am I going to realize that I’ve misused my time with them. There’s a point of reckoning when they realize how much time they have left.”
Michael Whitworth, former school principal and co-founder of Abrial, says an additional pressure is the “rapidly growing diagnoses of neurodivergence, which require a lot of time with medical professionals and schools and a lot of stress.”
In some cases, parents choose to take some time off from work, known as ‘teen-ternity’, to support their children during exams or in times of crisis.
One example is Suzanne Alderson, who stepped down from the business she ran with her husband when her daughter had an acute mental health crisis. “When you’re in this situation, you’re in fight or flight.”
Her experience led her to set up the charity Parenting Mental Health to help others feel less alone. She says returning to work after such crises can be challenging. “Your brain is offline. You cannot record information. But we see that many parents are going back [finding] it confirms. Parents say work can be the thing that keeps you going.”
However, a recent survey by her charity found that 13 percent of parents dealing with their child’s mental health had to give up their jobs completely. Many others must take unpaid leave, which “can add another layer of financial and career stress.”
Molly Walsh took six months off from her job in financial services after her teenage son started having problems. It could take up to an hour before she could lure him to school along with teachers. “I was late for work all the time.”
Now her son is happier, after an autism diagnosis and mental health support. “If you had told me five years ago that he would be graduating from high school, I wouldn’t have believed you,” Walsh said.
The experience made her determined to create a “positive” outcome for others. “I thought I couldn’t be the only one going through this. There is so much shame and vilification by parents.” After setting up a corporate parenting resource group, she held a session about her own experiences. “I was amazed to find out how many parents were experiencing this.” Her group now advises colleagues facing prosecution for their child’s poor school attendance and helps parents navigate the mental health system.
Dowling emphasizes that staff groups must be inclusive. “Make sure it’s for parents of older children. Newer parents tend to cluster, while working parents [of teens] “Don’t do it like that.”
They should also involve fathers. Jeremy Davies, deputy director of the Fatherhood Institute, says: “Fathers appear to move more away from the role of full breadwinner when they have older children. It may be that this happens as fathers reach a level of seniority that puts them at the foot of be able to ease off the accelerator.”
Informal flexibility is also important to enable parents to attend school or doctor appointments. Alderson says employers have become more understanding of what she calls the “juggling battle” after the pandemic, but that the return to office mandates may reverse that. “The more open we can be about the demands we have outside the office and what would help both employers and employees, the more committed and loyal we will be.”
Internal communications can support this message, says Dowling. “Imagine at the next town hall meeting a senior person stands up and says he was home yesterday because his 14-year-old child was sick, then it becomes easier for others to do that.”
Robbie Green, executive coach at Talking Talent, says “companies need to respond respectfully when parents set boundaries.”
Alderson says this needs to continue beyond the early years. “It’s a mistake in our thinking that the harder times are when our child is younger.”