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Dear Prudence,
My ex and I were married for ten years and divorced last year. We have an 8 year old son together. “Gia” was the one who got away. We were friends, but never quite in the right state to be in a relationship.
She was with someone or I, or our careers just took us in different directions. Gia recently moved back to town and we met for drinks. Sparks flew. We’ll see each other, but I don’t plan on introducing her to my son for a while. My ex and I still have mutual friends and I think someone talked about it. My ex called me furiously to question me about my love life. In fact, she even hated the idea of Gia and pretended to catch me cheating (which is hysterical because she had been having an emotional affair with her married coworker for the last two years of our marriage). I told her that whoever I saw or didn’t see was none of her business anymore. I would stick to our agreed upon parenting plan, in which we would not introduce new partners to our son unless the relationship was serious.
Since then, our relationship has consisted of a series of texts limited to our son, and worse, my son makes comments to me about not wanting a “new” mom. I reassured my son that his mother and I were not going anywhere and that we loved him. Right now I’m furious and I don’t know how to move forward. Gia and I have only been seeing each other for a few months. Maybe it will lead somewhere. Maybe not. But I have the right to try. I didn’t approach the coworker or his wife (despite having plenty of evidence) and tried to take the high road with my ex. And here she poisons the well with my son! I don’t know what step to take now. Staff!
– Well poisoned
Dear poisoned well,
This isn’t very comforting right now, but it might help a little to remember that your ex is going to throw a fit — and start having inappropriate, disturbing conversations with your son — about everyone you date, not just Gia. So you might as well keep seeing the person you really love. Keep taking the high road even when it feels like it won’t pay off. Your reward, even if it isn’t a peaceful co-parenting relationship, will be the feeling that you are, the kind of person you want to be and that you have nothing to apologize for or be ashamed of.
However, I think you should take it very, very slowly when it comes to introducing Gia (or anyone else). Even if things get serious, why not just introduce your son to her at some gathering, as one of the many adults who are your “friends,” so that his fears about another family change are not aroused before it has happened ? are? I hope you can put things off long enough that your ex eventually meets someone else and stops caring so much about what you’re up to Unpleasant.
Classic Prudie
Three months ago my partner and I moved to a new house. We have an elderly couple as neighbors, and one of them, a 70-year-old man, often gives us instructions. He has told my partner not to let bamboo grow along our shared fence as it could block his light. He addressed my partner as “boy” and told him to place rocks along the bottom of the fence so that our (too big for small holes and not adventurous) dog wouldn’t escape. But this is too far.