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Best care and nutrition,
I don’t know what to do with my mother. All my life nothing has ever been a secret. If I messed up somehow, my whole family would hear about it and then lecture me, even after my parents had done so. This also applied the other way: everything I did well, I also heard from them. It was exhausting. Many times over the years I have asked my mother to stop sharing information. She hasn’t stopped. In fact, it has gotten worse.
It’s not just my aunts anymore. It’s her group of about 10 friends (some of whom I’ve never met or met by chance). It’s her hairdresser. Sometimes it feels like the stranger on the street. This has now come to a head.
I recently started taking medication for diabetes. It is not a semaglutide like Ozempic or something like that. It is an older drug, although I have lost significant weight on it. I asked my mother not to share my health information with anyone, or at least to ask me first before telling people. But now the first thing she says when she sees me is how skinny I look (there are some body shame/body dysphoric issues I picked up from her), and then she tells everyone in the room (quite literally everyone, like when I once said it out loud in a restaurant) how I’m on Ozempic – even though I told her I’m not. She knows I don’t want her to talk about my health problems! But she says she’s just happy for me, and wants others to be too. How can I talk to her about this (again) or accept that this is just something I will have to live with?
– I just want some things to happen between mother and daughter!
Dear I just want,
There doesn’t seem to be any way to talk to her about this again that will make any difference. She knows how you feel. She won’t change her behavior (or maybe she can’t?). So don’t waste your breath. And for heaven’s sake, this isn’t something you have to live with!
The solution to your problem is simple. Stop telling her anything.
Don’t tell her you’re taking a new medication. Don’t tell her that you have been diagnosed with a condition. Besides, if you don’t like her sharing your news, good or bad – a promotion at work, a new relationship that makes you happy… or a professional disappointment or a breakup – keep it to yourself. I understand that you want to be able to tell your mother everything. But that is impossible. Not if you want it to stay between the two of you, because that’s something she has made it clear that she either doesn’t understand it, doesn’t respect it, or isn’t able to deal with it. Find someone else to confide in; continue with your mother. (And I’m not making any promises, but there is one opportunity if there is an information desert, she will finally get the message: if she asks why your conversations with her have turned into small talk, you can tell her. Maybe that will help.)
But my message to you is: make some changes you Doing. Don’t expect her – or anyone else – to change for you. (I should probably have something like that on t-shirts and bumper stickers.)
—Michelle
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