Everyone has different boundaries about what is acceptable. It always amazes me that couples never discuss what they think crosses a line until there is a problem. One person thinks it’s fine to send a “kiss” emoji to an old flame, but their partner sees it as “leaving the door open” or not being fully committed.
Trust issues are often at the heart of the problem. I find that especially for women – who have been conditioned to compare themselves for years – having a partner who shows interest in sexualized, airbrushed photos of others can make them feel inadequate and bring out insecurities.
Advice
Open a discussion about where your own boundaries are. You’re both in a relationship, so boundaries need to be agreed upon together – before a problem arises. Often the accused person becomes defensive and ridicules the injured party for being petty, which is not fair; it is important to be honest and feel heard if you are not satisfied with something. The other person may not agree, but your voice matters. If you are hurt, you should be able to express it without feeling foolish.
However, be careful not to become controlling. For example, you can say that you don’t like that they watch porn sometimes, but that is not possible to make they stop.
An affair
This is why many couples come to therapy. One in five people in Britain admit to adultery (and probably more do). People change over time and so do their needs and desires. This is human nature. Often a third party fulfills a person’s needs in a different way, and it is more about how they make the cheating party feel like he or she is being adulterous. himself that’s what’s intoxicating about it. It’s actually rarely about sex, although the injured party naturally assumes this is missing somehow. Rarely is a marriage completely happy when the affairs begin, and often in therapy the ‘wounded partner’ can see how their behavior may have also played a role.
Advice
Once you’ve dealt with the guilt, honest conversations are needed to both find a way to build a new relationship together that is mutually satisfying.
The injured party can demand information, but stick to the facts: who it happened to and how long it lasted. Never go into details such as sexual positions or places you have visited as this will cause more pain. If two people are both sincerely determined to get their marriage back on track, I’d say this can work in three out of four cases.
Severe disease
We promise to stay with them “in sickness and in health”. Queen Camilla is clearly a source of support for the king as he recovers from cancer, but when one person is seriously ill – through illness, surgery or a life-changing accident – relationships can suffer.
And sex is the first thing to do. It is normal to go through periods of not having sex in a marriage. Young couples need to understand that it is normal for things to be different than they were in the beginning. What’s more important is finding other ways to connect and be there for each other emotionally.
I’ve worked with post-mastectomy women who feel desperately unattractive and with men who have suffered injuries that have caused them to have erection problems. Illness not only exhausts you, but can also destroy your self-esteem, which naturally affects desire.
A woman I met felt guilty about not wanting to have sex because she was suffering from a serious intestinal condition. That’s why she stopped kissing her husband, fearing that it would mean she wanted sex, when in reality she didn’t. Meanwhile, he just felt left out and rejected. They only talked about this in therapy, but it still created a wedge between them for months.
Advice
The most important thing is to talk about it. Don’t sweep the lack of sex under the rug, acknowledge it. Say, “I know being erotic isn’t how we feel right now when we’re dealing with so much, but know that I love you and still want you.”
Try to find the level of physical contact that you’re comfortable with, whether that’s a hug, a hand hold, or just a flick of the hair. If you stick with those small acts of affection, it becomes less of a steep hill to climb when you might be able to get intimate. For example, avoiding touch can lead to anxiety issues, making it harder to get things back.
Money matters
Some of the most heated arguments in the therapy room involve finances. I’ve seen hell hath no fury like a woman who discovered her partner is spending her money on sex workers. One time a physical fight almost broke out in my clinic, but this scenario is not uncommon. I have also seen marriages destroyed by gambling addictions. However, these are dramatic cases where the money is the tip of the iceberg for larger problems that require specific work from both people, especially the “guilty” person.
Often couples fall out because their spending habits just don’t match.
Money is not easy and our own attitude towards it is shaped by our parents (whether we follow it or rebel against it). It means different things to different people, from security to freedom to power.