Football and music are married. Two social weathervanes that are eternally intertwined with the hearts of the country. There is a huge age difference—about 50,000 years—but they do it.
There are plenty of musicians who are/were handy footballers—Bob Marley, Robbie Williams, Serge Pizzorno, that guy from One Direction. Some great footballers are also talented musicians.
With festival season well and truly underway, we thought we’d get a supergroup of footballers together who could actually make a halfway decent band. Listen, they’re not going to win any Mercury Music Prizes anytime soon, but this group don’t need any more silverware to be honest.
Ruud Gullit: Vocals
I’m not going to lie, there are better singers and better rappers. In the 80’s though, Gullit released a few singles and LPs and he looked damn good.
On the 1988 single ‘South Africa’, on which Ruud was one of the most played artists, next to Revelation time, the Dutchman seems to have contributed little to it—some background vocals that are hard to make out—but that doesn’t matter because he’s got a moustache, dreadlocks, and he looks stylish.
For a self-respecting bandleader, there are many more important qualities such as a fantastic appearance and an astronomical charisma than singing qualities. That is why the reggae skills of Ruud Gullit are central to our supergroup.
Leighton Baines: Guitar
Merseyside’s Modfather probably doesn’t like reggae, but he’ll damn well do what’s best for the band. Baines is on the beat, and he’s jabbing those offbeats like a bad guy.
Baines is friends with Alex Turner and Miles Kane—good to know in case we need to borrow stuff.
Try a quiz: Can you name the 15 French players who have represented Real Madrid since 1990?
Slaven Bilic: Guitar
The Croat is a famous dad rocker. He plays lead guitar in our band and throws in some licks here and there to add color to Ruud’s vocals.
He’s going to go off on a crazy solo at some point without any warning, and everyone’s going to be mad, but there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop it. Spinal Tap vibes from the big guy.
Alisson Becker: Bass
The Liverpool stopper actually plays the old six-string guitar, but with those big bin-goalie hands we reckon he could handle bass too. There’s video of the Brazilian performing Come on, come on, come on! at a kit launch.
Why didn’t they give that song a name? Kloppodile Rockor even Koppodile Rock We’ll never know, but it is what it is.
Petr Cech: Drums
A keeper on bass and a keeper on drums. A rhythm section as tight as a nun’s clothes from an old dryer. If you haven’t heard Cech’s music on Spotify, we implore you to listen. It’s something.
READ MORE: Ranking Every MLS Club Based on Their Goal and Entrance Music from Worst to Best
TRY A QUIZ: Can you name all the German players who have scored more than 10 Champions League goals?
Nobby Solano: Trumpet
The Peruvian winger’s trumpet skills were legendary, but not always popular, as Solano told FourFourTwo:
““I don’t think Bobby Robson was that excited about me playing my trumpet. He didn’t know anything about it when he first became a manager, but he soon found out when I rang him one night and turned the phone off for him. I’m not sure he was that happy about it.”
Calling your boss to play the trumpet for them on the phone is a mad thing to do, and that’s why Nobby’s in the band. We’re a ska band now, by the way.
Alexis Sanchez: Keys
Sanchez played piano in his own Manchester United signing reveal video. It’s actually quite classy. We definitely have room for some synths in our third-wave VA-Ska* band. Welcome aboard, Alexis.
*As VAR. VA-ska. Because it rhymes, unless you’re American, Irish, Bristolian, Welsh, from the West Country… Forget it, really.
Patrick Bamford: Violin
I don’t really know what Paddy Bamford brings to this band. Maybe we need to rethink our musical direction. Maybe jazz. Jazz fusion. That’s it, we’re jazz fusion now and Ruud scats like a maniac, Alisson is on double bass now and he’s wearing a suit with an open shirt. Fuck yeah. It’s all coming together.
Dion Dublin: The Dube
Why not? Who gives a f*ck at this point? DD apparently plays saxophone too. Maybe we can get him on that. You can bet he’s smuggling a Dube on stage somewhere.
Pat Nevin: The Decks
You can’t have a football band without Pat. We put him on the decks like that guy from Linkin Park or that guy from Limp Bizkit. Nu-metal jazz fusion. So what? Say something. We just want to justify ripping someone’s head off!