Dear Prudence,
For a long time I thought it was an innocent crush on a friend of mine (Jordan), but now another friend (Alex) has told Jordan and Jordan is threatening me with a restraining order. I’m furious that I told Alex about my crush and that Alex betrayed my trust. I admit that some of the things I did probably weren’t great decisions, but those actions didn’t hurt Jordan at all as long as Jordan didn’t know about them. Now I’m torn because I’m afraid Jordan is going to call the police.
If they call the police, I’ll probably have to throw out all the evidence beforehand. But that’s almost impossible for me to deal with. This situation is quickly spiraling out of control, and I don’t feel like there is anyone I can go to for help without judgment. How can I make it up to Jordan in a way that honestly atones for what I did while still leaving open the possibility of us coming together romantically?
-Hopelessly devoted
Dear Hopelessly Devoted,
Don’t call Jordan. Actually never call Jordan again. Don’t do anything (what did yes??) – except maybe get a lawyer’s opinion, since I can’t give you legal advice. You say you can’t go to anyone you’re non-judgmental about, and that may be because the situation rightly leads to judgment. Instead, think of someone who you know cares about your well-being and wants the best for you. Tell them what you did and ask for help to put an end to it. I can’t stress enough that the possibility of dating is now completely off the table, and you have to force yourself to accept that reality. If you are having trouble letting go, seeking guidance and help from a mental health professional should be your next step (there are several directories where you can begin your search). The sooner you can let Jordan go, the sooner you’ll stop making bad decisions. Then you can pursue crushes in a way that doesn’t inspire people to call 9-1-1.
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Dear Prudence,
My wife and I have a 21-year-old daughter, a 16-year-old daughter and soon to have 10-year-old triplets (two girls and a boy). We have a four-bedroom house. Our oldest daughter is graduating this summer. She is unsure about where she will live next. Her lease at the university expires in July. The triplets have always shared a room, but they are growing up. It’s time for my son to get his own room, which means my daughter will have to clear out her old room or deal with sharing with her sister. It’s just a matter of logistics. I’m willing to just lay down the law and tell my daughter that everything belonging to her will be thrown in boxes in the basement whether she’s here or not. My wife says that’s too harsh, but we’ve been having the same conversation since the spring. Can I get something back here?
– Room to go
Dear Room to Go,
I’m confused (and I think you might not be clear either): Do you want to put your daughter’s things in boxes because it’s taking her too long to make a decision? Or do you want to move your son into her room, regardless of where she ends up living? It seems to me that the latter could be the case. And it is not unreasonable for you to prioritize space for the non-adult children who have no choice but to live in your home over the adult child who has graduated. But the key is that you and your wife are on the same page and that whatever message you convey to your eldest daughter. Try something like, “If you haven’t let us know that you want to move back in by mid-June, we will proceed with moving your brother into your room and packing your things.” You can still come home whenever you want, but we’ll just have to find new places to sleep,” or “We hope you understand that we need your old room for your little brother, so we’re going to clean it out, and if you If you want to come back, we’ll make room for you in your sister’s room,” so it doesn’t come across as a punishment or rejection.
This year represents a huge transition for your eldest, and your interactions during this time can determine how welcome she feels at home and how close she is to family in the future. I know you’re frustrated (and have a lot of kids to deal with, which must be very stressful!), but try to stay focused on the long-term goal: maintaining a warm relationship with her. That will ultimately make you so much happier than a quick and straight answer about her living situation after college ever could.
Dear Prudence,
My partner and I have been together for over a year and see a long-term future together. He shares two children with his ex-wife (separated for six years). They spend the holidays together as if they were a family. He notes that he likes to spend that time with his ex and children. And while I am invited, I feel like an awkward fifth wheel. I grew up with divorced parents and I got two separate Christmases, etc. My parents were cordial, but didn’t spend time together. My partner says we all have to put up with the awkwardness to come together and surround the kids with love. Am I wrong to feel put off by these holiday arrangements?
-Fifth wheel
Dear Fifth Wheel,
You’re not wrong at all if you’re put off by them. And he’s not wrong at all to appreciate and prioritize them. In fact, he is quite right not to let a new partner interfere with the routine he has set up for his children. This approach of surrounding the children with love on special occasions is obviously important to him and is something you should weigh when deciding whether you want a future with him, just as you would seriously consider whether you could have a relationship together. being with someone who has traveled the world. had time to work, or didn’t take holidays at all, or had a socialization approach that differed from yours.
It is possible that you can convince yourself to embrace the current arrangement. After all, his ability to get along with his ex and focus on his children’s needs reflects very well on him.
Vacation only amounts to a handful of days a year. You can always celebrate it together on another day and create your own traditions. And once you’re there long enough, you’re no longer a clumsy fifth wheel; you feel comfortable and you become a real part of the family.
But if you can’t get there, that’s fine too. Celebrating Thanksgiving without the person your partner used to be married to isn’t too much to ask, and it’s something that doesn’t even require you to have a conversation with the vast majority of people you date in the world. future.
Check out this week’s Prudie.
More advice from Slate
My colleagues refuse to come back to the office and it’s getting ridiculous. I get it: COVID happened and yes, we “proved” we can work remotely because we still managed to get things done. But that’s it: we did it. We were not excelling, thriving or as productive as everyone claimed. I’ve had days in a row of Zoom calls where someone’s audio cut out, someone lost signal, or someone’s spouse/baby/dog was screaming/crying/barking in the background. It’s a nightmare. As nice as it is to have flexibility, it’s apparently quite unhealthy for the team as morale is low and everyone complains of being depressed.