How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Do you have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear how do you do that,
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and together for 22 years. We’re happy, successful, have kids, the white picket fence, the whole thing. I had a dream a while ago that opened something up for me.
I saw her kissing another man and woke up without a feeling of jealousy, not excited, but a little at peace with the idea. It has slowly turned into the idea of offering her a ‘hall pass’. I don’t want it answered, I don’t even want to know if she’s using it or with whom (I’ve also agreed on some other rules that don’t need to be mentioned here) – but the idea that she might end up in a situation that would bring her pleasure and that she can benefit from it with my permission (if not my knowledge) appeals to me. However, I’m not sure how she would react if I made the offer. I can’t think of a way to even casually joke about it to gauge her interest. She’s not an overly sexual person, and probably wouldn’t even be interested, but she is a human with human desires. I need help deciding if it’s a gift worth giving, or just a stupid idea that I should forget about before I accidentally ruin our marriage.
– Dream or nightmare?
Jessica Stoya: I just covered a column about a man who told his wife of 17 years about his long-standing cuckold fantasy, and she was so weirded out by it and thought he didn’t love her. The writer didn’t specify it, but I assumed there was an element of shock because they had been together for so long, and then he suddenly said, “By the way, I’d like you to have sex.” with other men.” That can be really disturbing. So be sure to check out that column for a first-person account of how this could end badly, just to factor it into the overall risk assessment.
Rich Juzwiak: The dynamic in this question is interesting because these questions are usually: “I want to have sex with someone else. How do I do that?” And there is a real risk that people feel if they admit this desire, what their partner will think about it and how this will change the relationship. This particular scenario, I would say, is quite unique in the sense that the writer says, “I don’t want anything in return. I don’t even want to know about this.” It seems like the pivotal event for the writer would simply be the conversation in which he hands over the possibility of this room to his wife, and then he would simply live in the knowledge that he has given her her freedom. To me, that seems like a conversation with low stakes, but I know people have different sensitivities.
jessica: In heterosexual relationships, there is a strong historical framework of love as jealousy – of jealousy and ownership as love language. And so that, I think, is why the writer’s wife I mentioned earlier felt that sharing his fantasies was a sign that he didn’t love her. So that’s something that I think is worth thinking about as well. Maybe the way to feel it isn’t by joking. Because if you present it as a joke, it will be taken as a joke. Instead, why not start a conversation about what the expectation of fidelity means within their relationship?
Rich: Yes. Because while what you were just getting at is the idea that fidelity equals monogamy, in a consensually non-monogamous situation those things are not equal. Loyalty would come down to keeping an agreement. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t have sex with other people. It means we have sex with other people on our terms. You could rid yourself of the idea that monogamy and fidelity are the same thing, but that could be difficult for someone.
jessica: Every now and then I wish I could add a visual aid. I’m going to draw this in the air and try to describe it. The conversation tree might start with, “Hey, all these discussions about sex positivity in the media lately have me curious about what faithfulness in our relationship means to you.”
The woman might respond with Option A: “It just means we keep the agreements we have.” To which the letter writer can say: “Great. I have this fantasy…’
Or Option B: “It means monogamy.” To which the writer can respond with, “Where did that come from?”
The follow-up questions to that should be asked carefully to avoid a potentially explosive scenario, but there are ways to say, “Oh, we never talked about why we chose monogamy. When we got together 22 years ago, we had to work out all these assumptions, and I’m genuinely curious.” By coming from a place of curiosity and caution, our writer can get an idea of whether his suggestion would ruin his marriage. And also, even if he decides to keep his fantasy to himself, these conversations can be a really good way for people in a relationship to redescribe what they mean to each other, and what their roles and expectations are.
Rich: I would be careful to make it clear that they are not proposing this so that the LW can have sex with other people themselves. You have to have that conversation and really let it sink in, because I think a lot of people would suspect if their partner comes up and says, “You can have sex with someone else,” which means, “I want to have sex with someone otherwise’. someone else, and I’m anticipating that conversation.
So you have to unpack it a little bit and say, “No, really, it actually just occurred to me from a philosophical perspective.” It feels like there’s a generosity aspect, but it also feels like the writer is saying something like, “This should be something that’s allowed.” I don’t want anything in return for this. I just think you can basically have this if you want it. You just have to be very specific with your words and really drive home those points. This is a nuanced proposal, so you need to consider the nuance of what you’re asking for.
jessica: And the other thing people often assume is that their partner is no longer interested in sex with them, so they want them to get it somewhere else. So do the sandwich maneuver. When it comes to bringing up the actual subject: “I find you so attractive. I love you so much. This is the situation, and I want to remind you how much you turn me on and that I want this because the idea of it is interesting to me. And then really drive home the point with an extra: ‘I think you’re so handsome. I’m sorry attractive.”
More advice from Slate
I’m a procrastinator; my partner is a do-it-yesterday-er. Earlier this year I was worrying about doing my taxes. My partner, as motivation, said, “Get them ready and I’ll blow you.” Because my partner is very good at this, I got started right away, but was held up by some missing paperwork. Flash forward to now and the missing form is in hand. Pleased with myself for submitting the application, I told my partner that I would take that BJ as soon as possible. They mock!